I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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