Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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