True but thats because hes a fetus.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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