I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
