I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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