Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
