I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My vagina just recognized that song.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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