you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
