so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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