She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
