The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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