You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
