Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
