I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
