do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
