Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
