Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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