2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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