i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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