help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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