im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
