Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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