I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i think i just lost a toe
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize