I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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