You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
