you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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