A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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