Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
