I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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