dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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