ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So. Much. Porn.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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