i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize