i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
