I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
