I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
