Umm I'm too high to move.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
