I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
