I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
