Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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