you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
