Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
