Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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