Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
