My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize