You made me cry and you don't even care
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
