I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
