I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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