Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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