yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
