he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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