I smell stomach acid.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
