Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
