your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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