I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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