Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
