thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
