I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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