apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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