I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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