i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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